Wade
  • Wade
  • Veteran Member
11 years ago
Julie,
I very much know what you are going through. I've been dealing with the "issues of aging" with my mother for several years. She's now been in assisted living for a few months over two years, and she lived with me for the preceding 7 or 8. She's now 91.

Let me start with affirming two things others have said:
1. Get the "memory" tests done. I'd advise a full workup, including MRI and meeting with both neurologist and psych expert. This is important to help diagnose whether the memory is Alzheimer's, some other kind of dementia, the effects of small "silent strokes", or just the "normal aging". It's also important for establishing a baseline for comparison as she continues to age.
2. Arrange for a durable (i.e., lasts until revoked) power of attorney. Actually, you want two: one for decisions re: daily activities and property, and one for health care. Many also suggest a "living will" -- what to do about life-extending machines etc. Hospitals often have someone who can talk with you and her about the latter two. The first should, IMO, be drafted by an attorney.

And it goes without saying that she should meet with her attorney to go over her will -- especially if she has property. You don't want this done after she's diagnosed with anything, for the obvious reason that can bring the will into question later. And also be clear -- to her, to yourself, and to the attorney, that your mother is the client. Set this rule from the outset the first time you go in with her, and be willing to exit the room if the attorney wishes to talk with her alone.

Of course this means the usual hassles of choosing a lawyer that all can trust. If she's got one she has used before, that's the natural place to go. Don't get one who has a reputation for being a litigator (e.g., most who do a lot of divorce and criminal practice, as well as those who like personal injury cases. (I don't know how the bar where you are is divided between specialists and generalists, but IMO the biggest thing in choosing a lawyer at this junction (after basic competence and trustworthiness stuff, that is) is whether the lawyer is one who seeks to reduce friction or one who seeks to use friction in a zealousness to protect his primary client's interest. All lawyers know of their ethical responsibility to put their client interests first; but the best, especially in the realm of estates, aging, generational transfers of power, etc., are conciliators, not adversarialists. They know how to work within a family as well as deal with the potential disputes and problems later on.

One thing also -- you mentioned a family farm. I don't know how big it is, but I do know it is important to recognize that there's going to be a big source of revenue that the feds (and the state) are going to be looking to tap, and that is the possibliities for taxing transfers between generations, both before death and after. And with ag land prices being what they are, it might surprise you how "close" her wealth currently is to being big enough to be taxed big time.

This isn't a partisan point. It would be the case whoever has to take office in January in this economic mess. This kind of out-of-control government is going to need *big* sources of revenue just to keep our heads out of water, much less actually "solve" the problems. And, even if (what I consider that) nonsense about "making the rich pay" is actually worthy as a policy choice, it ain't going to come close to paying the tab. And that means taxes. Income taxes, certainly, but that won't do it either. And who better to go to next than the "unworthy" heirs of their now-deceased "rich" parents. Eliminating exemptions and increasing death taxes -- I would be wholly unsurprised to see both coming down the pipe before the next election. Compared to the alternatives -- seriously slashing spending, including the "entitlements" of social security, Obamacare, etc...any politician ... of either party...is going to jump at the (relatively) small public opinion backlash that comes when the political marketers reduce estate taxation to simply redistributing the "unearned wealth" of the Paris HIltons of the world.

IMO, the time to deal with those thorny issues of estate planning is now. You may think it is tough now, and it is, but it will be 10 times worse dealing with it later after her faculties and her physical abilities decline more. And the more that farm is worth, the more important dealing with the hassles sooner rather than later.

Finally, and again this is as much a matter of planning ahead, but I'd start investigating the options for senior independent/assisted living that are available near you. Don't assume she'll be able to stay "on her own" until that time as she has to go to a nursing home. You mentioned the pendant she's already wearing. There will likely come a time when the memory issues and/or physical issues mean she simply can't be trusted on her own. For some its when the car keys have to be taken away. (We were lucky there -- my mom was able to stay with me for over a year after she lost her license; it was only after I came home several times to find the kitchen burner left on, that we realized that it was time.

Someone mentioned her moving in with you, or you with her. I don't remember which. But trust me, this is *not* likely to be a permanent long-term solution for most people, especially those of you with families of your own to deal with. It isn't going to be the Waltons. My mother's sister's kids thought they'd "split the duties," with each one taking my mother for a few months at a time. It worked so well that two of my aunt's three oldest children barely talk to the third because that arrangement shattered upon contact with the realities.

Frankly, I can't imagine how anyone with a family in today's world does it. I struggle, and my mother's only real competitors for my attention are a job that I mostly hate and a puppy. And I continue to struggle over two years since she "moved out".

So what I would do is start now to explore the alternatives. My guess is that there's a whole range of possibilities where you live (Peoria area, right?) Its not just about "pushing her into a nursing home" anymore. There can be real opportunities for improving a senior's quality of life "in between" having to take care of everything herself and "going to the nursing home when all that seems left that the body and mind can do is die." Nursing homes -- well, I have to say they are incredibly depressing places; I hope that I have a friend who will take me out in a gravel pit somewhere and shoot me when I decline to the point that my only alternative is full time skilled nursing care.

But between now and that time there are *lots* of possibilities.

As always don't hesitate to vent, Julie -- I know you know how to write...[grin1] ...and whenever you need to talk or whatever, feel free to get in touch. You and your mother are embarking on a path no one should envy. But as those of us who have experience with it know, one of the best things that comes out of the process are deeper connections with other people. As we learn that "we can't do it alone," we find that we don't have to, that there are all those shoulders and listening ears and stories out there willing to be shared with us.

It sometimes seems like I have made every mistake, small and large, that a child dealing with an aging parent can make. And I firmly believe that I have made most of them. Yet at the same time, the experience has pulled me kicking and screaming closer to adulthood. I'd probably be happier if I could go back to being my nearly sociopathic and certainly adolescent self-absorbed self, but I'm also a far better man than I was five years ago.

I have no doubt you'll handle whatever it takes, whichever directions it veers off into, with aplomb, integrity, and compassion. You're a far better person, and have already dealt with problems of relationship, child-rearing, idiot superintendents, and such, that the adult me couldn't handle, much less the adolescent sociopathic me of 5-10 years ago.

I'm told by those who unlike me have been parents that one of the toughest parts of parenting is that the child never stops being someone to worry about and never stops requiring new and hard decisions of them as parents. But I expect that having shown yourself able to handle both the two-year-old and the teenager, you'll handle it all.

You're a great mom. And that is going to be a great help for both you and your mom in the months and years ahead.

It really will.

I promise.






And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Romans 12:2 (NKJV)
wpr
  • wpr
  • Preferred Member
11 years ago
wow. wade you put into words many of the things I tried to say but could not. gold star.
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4PackGirl
11 years ago
i am both humbled & grateful to you, wade. thank you so much for giving me the boost i truly needed to take a deep breath & dive into the future.

dan & i talked quite a bit about it last nite & he said he felt the first step would be to talk to her in a very caring, non-confrontational way about my concerns. then he said i should suggest taking her to mayo clinic for a full work-up including a psych eval since we really don't know if this could be physical or mental. and whatever the diagnosis is, we'll go from there.

i think he tried to break it down to a simple task for me because i was freaking out a little & i so appreciate him for that!

i'm hoping she handles my concerns well & that we'll be heading to minnesota within a month or so.

as far as her estate goes, if the tax breaks bush put in place aren't extended, we.are.screwed!! so yes a visit to her estate planning attorney is definitely in order as well.

yes i'm near peoria so we have an abundance of options when it comes to her future health needs.

so, i think i'll talk to her about it today. scared as hell but i can do this.

wpr
  • wpr
  • Preferred Member
11 years ago



so, i think i'll talk to her about it today. scared as hell but i can do this.

Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl 



"Mom, I love you. You have given so much to me in my life. I can never pay you back for all that you have done for me and my family. You have been my hero and my mentor for many years. Whenever I have had hard trials to face I have looked to you as a source of inspiration and you have helped me come on through."

"I know it is a part of the aging process but I am concerned about your occasional memory loss. This is something I have not had to deal with before and I need your help facing it today. You have always been so strong. I don't like the idea of you needing help."

"If for no other reason than my own peace of mind I would appreciate it if you would check with some doctors to see if there is something that can be done to slow the process. I want to keep you as alert as possible for as long as possible. 10 years from now I would hate to learn we could have prevented some illness if we acted today."

"I need you."
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4PackGirl
11 years ago
i had the talk with her.
it didn't go well at all.
alot of denial, wanting specific examples of her memory loss, & her telling me "i'm not that bad" & laughing at me.
yes, she laughed in my face, looked at me like i was crazy, & was very defensive.
one little part of this whole dynamic i didn't mention is that my mom is quite narcissistic. i had a feeling this would happen because when (in your mind) you can do no wrong, how could one ever admit to having a significant memory loss?!?
to say i'm sad & defeated would be an understatement. i really had a bit of hope when i explained to her that while nothing may be wrong, something could be & that there are new medications to slow down the process. i was wrong.
in the end, while still laughing, she said "keep an eye on me for the next couple months & let me know if i get worse" & the subject was closed.
i don't know what to do now. i just want to cry.
wpr
  • wpr
  • Preferred Member
11 years ago
You did what you could. The final decision is hers. Love her and keep going.
The whole thing is a process. Tell her it she probably is not that bad. That is when you want a base line test. nothing will reverse the loss that is why you want to slow it down. Before it gets bad.
i am proud of you having the courage to speak to her about it. It is never easy.

Have a cry I am sure it helps. (I don't understand chick things.)
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4PackGirl
11 years ago
i kept saying that i was concerned about her memory & that there are many new meds available to slow down the process but she just didn't want to hear any of it.

so i guess i just move on & try not to worry too much about her. not easy but it appears that's what she wants. 😞
Wade
  • Wade
  • Veteran Member
11 years ago
Julie,

Sorry to hear the conversation went badly. But you did the right thing. As Wayne said, you did what you could.

The reality is that you'll probably have to have multiple such conversations. There will be tears, yelling (both on both sides), passive aggressive attempts at manipulation, pouting, sulking. And if memory and other mental functions decline, she'll forget and repeat all of them.

Just remember you're doing the right thing. You're caring, you're trying, and that's all any of us get to do. Some of us are lucky and get gratitude and good conversation and hugs to balance the stress and the pain, but you can't depend on that. That's why it's important for you to have a support network who, instead of starting every conversation with "how's your mom doing?" focus on "how are you doing?"

Remember to keep your chin with the hemline (up) and not with the neckline (down)

(grin)
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Romans 12:2 (NKJV)
4PackGirl
11 years ago
she called me today & had to tell me about some of her friends who forgot things recently. she could hardly wait to call me to 'prove' that everyone is forgetful at times. once again laughing the entire time at me.
wow, i must be an idiot to have believed for one second she would take something i said seriously.
after all, i'm the piece of shit child that does everything i can for her, cares about her no matter what, while my brother (the golden child) does nothing but verbally abuse her, & avoids her at all costs.
i feel like a fool & i'm heartbroken.

but one thing i can say is how grateful i am to have all of you to 'talk' to. you really are family to me. the only support system i have is my husband, a few close friends, & all of you. a million times thank you to you all.
DakotaT
11 years ago
You should tell her you need her to prove you wrong by going in for some testing. The problem with our older generation (like VR) is that they still operate motor vehicles and endager others. My partners Dad hit a parked car and doesn't remember what happens. He no longer gets to drive.
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