Its that time of year again, where Packer fans vote for the ULTIMATE fan, that one FAN of fans who can be looked upon as the epitome of what a Packer fan is. The nominees this year can be viewed at:http://www.mkemarketplace.com/fanhof/2008/vote.asp
I examine and give a rating to these nominees, and then will make a recommendation of who to vote for. The following is intended to be tongue-in-cheek and light-hearted, but at the same time, there is no fan of anything like a Packer fan; if youre going to be a Fan of fans amongst this group, then you better be able to stand up to the scrutiny. No watered-down wannabes allowed!
If you want to follow along, you will need to read their bios at the link above Shall we begin?
SUSAN BETLER If you read Susans bio, it adds up to one thing: Her brother was a Packer fan and he died so it was an emotional moment when she attended a game at Lambeau Field for the first time, in his honor. Im sorry about the brother but that does make you the ultimate Packer fan? Susan lives in Pennsylvania and comes to games, but thats nothing special when it comes to Packer fans. She will only go during cold weather games because it transcends Green Bay and Lambeau Field into a higher existence. I can appreciate a good metaphor, but come on, the dead brother and the schtick about the Frozen Tundra, that is not what the Green Bay Packers are all about. There is no doubt that we had an epiphany here, but I think its the kind that puts you in the psych ward, not the Packers FAN Hall of Fame.
Rating: Minus two stars, one for being nuts and another for thinking were an ultimate fan. There is no eating, sleeping and breathing Packers here.Gonna have to restore the two stars... I have always been told that tattoos on a woman are a beautiful thing. It proves that she is fully capable of making a decision that she will later regret. She has one on each wrist, both of them Packer related, which means either she'd make a couple players happy or a couple fans--- NET NOW ZERO
EVELYN BRAND - Evelyn is going to be 92 years old. Great. Play the nice little old lady card. Well, grandma, youre going to get slapped and thrown off the bus regardless of how cute you are. First of all, youve been a Packer fan for 54 years. What were you the first 38 years of your life? It wouldnt hurt to have more fans like Evelyn but lets be honest, to be a FAN of fans requires a lifetime commitment; you have to be born with Green and Gold blood in the veins. The story about not being able to find your car after the excitement of beating the Vikings in 1972, thats not a story, thats an indication we need to attend AA meetings. OK, you get a plus one for getting a Packers Fan Only parking space at your church in Minnesota, but a minus five stars for the reasons mentioned above and for saying youre a great fan because you have a brick at Lambeau Field.
Rating: Minus 4 starsThe old bat loses 2 more stars for failing to convert her flock in Minnesota to Packer fans. NET NOW MINUS 6 STARS
BILL COLLINS - Lets see Had season tickets for decades, encouraged people to buy season tickets back in the old days, devoted fan, been to away games in other states, yada yada yada. Glad to have him on our side but as a Packer fan to stand in his presence, do you feel unworthy? Nah.
Rating: Plus one starWild Bill "USED" to own a bar, and the operative words are used to. I have to kiss the asses of enough bartenders and owners as it is, much less former ones. A provisional minus one star unless the daughter that nominated him is the present day bar owner, in which case I go +9 stars, with the additional provision that all Packershome members get free beer during dad's reign. NET ZERO conditionally, NET PLUS 10
SHARON DEUTSCHENDORF - Sharon has a Packer shrine, wears Packer clothes, feels down when the Packers lose, is up when the Packers win. Gee. Golly. That describes just about everyone in Wisconsin. And half the state of Minnesota.
Rating: 0 starsWay off on this one, Veg. I'm going +4 Stars in the dark. Didn't read the bio. Don't have to. A last name like that lives and breathes Green Bay Packers, even if the person owning it doesn't quite measure up. NET PLUS 4 STARS
BEATRICE FROFLICH - Beatrice was 9 months pregnant when she attended the 1961 championship game. For another game, she had a cardiac procedure done at the hospital and went to a game the day after she was released. She denied food for her children in order to keep their family season tickets. She was a participant in the 1957 stadium dedication parade. Beatrice has attended games coached by every coach in Packers history. She was chosen to represent all Packer fans and be present when the referendum bill was signed. Shes missed only one game in 45 years. Are you feeling the magic here? The dedication? This is the kind of fan were looking for if were going to designate someone a FAN of fans. She deserves about eight stars, but Im only giving her two because she missed that one game.
Rating: Two starsSorry, again... gonna have to revoke her two stars. Beatrice completely failed to plan her pregnancy around the schedule, and the selfish bitch let her kids starve so she could go engage in a little hedonism on Sundays. I would've knocked her down even further, but the the free food and parking for the fellow fans offset Grandma Bea's poor planning and sluttin' around Lambeau. NET ZERO
ALLAN HALE - We start out talking about how our family has had season tickets for decades and then we take a different direction by saying that through all these years Allan has been there in their section selling beer. Hey, good for Allan, but I think he deserves to be in the Beer Man Hall of Fame, not the Packers FAN Hall of Fame. I worked at Lambeau Field myself; I shoveled snow. I did it because I wanted to be at Lambeau Field but that doesnt get me a star. I think Allan works for tips more than anything else.
Rating: Minus two stars for being a dumb nominationMiserable assessment, simply miserable...where did the comprehension skills go, I must ask? AL HALE IS THE BEER MAN +12 STARS NET +10 STARS... you just need to let him KNOW YOU VOTED FOR HIM AND WHY
RUSSEL KRIWANEK - Russel hitchhiked to a game in the old days and was a Green Bay Press Gazette photographer and had many fine up close and personal moments with the Packers. Being a fan is one thing, having a job that gets you into the locker room means youre lucky, not special.
Rating: 0 StarsRussell is a kiss-ass. He can go kiss Al Franken's ass in Minnesota, for all I care, or he can come to Pennsylvania and kiss mine. Spot on assessment by veg-o-matic REMAINS 0
SCOTT STROUPE - Scott was 5 years old when he became a Packer fan because he liked the colors green and gold. Now, come on, the Packers are the Packers regardless of their colors. If we were orange and white would we not have become a Packer fan? I suspect Scott has a career in interior decorating and may have a thing for mauve counter tops. OK, he gets a lot of credit when he worked in his wedding vows that his wife must be a loyal Packer fan. Scotts another fan with a shrine in his house. Packer shrines are clich when it comes to Packer fans. Yes, it may be a requirement to have a shrine if you're going to be in the Packer Fan Hall of Fame, but I'm not going to vote for anyone who possibly may have a thing for the color pink.
Rating: 0 starsIf the election is held during gay pride week, +4, otherwise, another zero.
ROBERT WANKOWSKI Ol Bob is a teacher in Las Vegas and his classroom is practically a museum for Packers memorabilia. That seems to be his greatest claim to fame. How many times are they going to trot out fans in front of us that have Packer shrines of one type or another? My house is full of Packer stuff and, quite frankly, Ive cut back on collecting because its getting to be too much. Does anyone want to hear stories of how I hide myself in the basement and fondle my bobbleheads? That doesnt make me a Fan of fans. Actually, we really dont want to know what that makes me.
Rating: Minus six stars because it made me come up with a really stupid analogy about fondling. An additional minus six because it made me come up with "Robert Wanking bobbleheads doesn't qualify" NET -12 STARS
KEN WISEMAN Hoo boy. Ken has Packer players on his fantasy team and wears his cheesehead while cooking on the grill. Thats supposed to be remarkable for someone whos lived in Louisville all his life. If thats passion for the Pack then eating cream puffs at the State Fair should make you exempt from paying federal income tax. Then we get into the tragic loss of their 26 year old daughter. You cant make fun of something like that, but if you read the part about Tina, shes more qualified than her Dad when it comes to being considered for the Packers Fan Hall of Fame.
Rating: Minus one star for wearing a cheesehead while grilling. PLus one back for him keeping Tina in the fold (I'm going straight to hell for that one) NET ZERO
Well, there you have it. We have a clear winner this year, and it's Beatrice Froflich. She's got my vote, and I suggest the rest of you vote early and often for ol' Bea. And yes, I apporve this message.
Thanks for following along!