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Zero2Cool  
#1 Posted : Tuesday, August 7, 2018 6:54:27 AM(UTC)
I'm bias here because this similar to what I've done for my girls. My oldest has issues with this because she knows "I can help", but am refusing to because I want her to learn to pick herself up after she has fallen.

What do you think about what Bill is saying here?
Bill Gates said:
I don’t think that amount of money would be good for them. They have to find their own way. They will be given an unbelievable education and that will all be paid for. And certainly anything related to health issues we will take care of. But in terms of their income, they will have to pick a job they like and go to work.
4PackGirl  
#2 Posted : Tuesday, August 7, 2018 10:01:59 AM(UTC)
Coming from a fairly wealthy family, I've been incredibly blessed to have parents who believe in seeing their children enjoy their lives as much as possible while they're still alive. My dad's been gone nearly 13 years but was able to see my brother & I enjoy the gifts they give us each year. Because of them, I am able to be a stay at home mom. I cannot even begin to express how much that means to me. I've been able to experience so much more with my twins & that is truly priceless.

I am truly grateful & thankful - I don't spend money foolishly & never will because my parents taught me to value not money but TIME!! From my high school days, if I wanted to buy some name brand jeans, they would look at me & say "is that worth 3 hours of your life?" Really put things in perspective for me. I only got 1 pair of fancy jeans during my high school years & that was with a coupon & 30% off but somehow I survived!!

The problem I have now is trying to get my twins to understand the value of a dollar/time. They don't even bother to ask their dad for a dime but have no problem expecting ME to buy them all Nike clothes & shoes. Drives me crazy!! So, I search & search online for great deals on Nike stuff & they're starting to "get it". I've found the key is saying no. They're old enough to understand that money is NOT limitless. They may get annoyed for a bit but in the end, they know I'm doing the right thing when I do say no.
wpr  
#3 Posted : Tuesday, August 7, 2018 10:35:04 AM(UTC)
Good topic Kevin. It reminds me of John Wayne in McLintock! where he is talking to his daughter and telling her she won't inherit the whole operation.

Mom and Dad made us work for what we wanted. Nevertheless they kicked in things. I had a car to use at 16-17. Bought my own at 18 but they still paid for insurance and some maintenance. We split the gas bill which means it was my responsibility but Dad had a pump at the house and I topped off from time to time. I worked for them both in their office and around the house.

I try to teach my kids the value of time (nice Julie) and money. I tried to explain how my parents grew up during the Depression and it colored their outlook on life. My wife and I grew up learning their outlook. We told the kids we are not as frugal as our parents were but we still are careful on spending money.

My son had a paper route when he was 13. I helped him on Sundays and when it was necessary. He wanted to buy a video game council and games. We wouldn't pay for it. Whenever he got a few dollars he wanted to spend it on something right now. I would ask him if he wants this thing now or to wait and save it for the big item. I said he could only spend the money once so make sure it was what he wanted.

Fast forward to today. He and his wife are doing pretty well. Listening to them they know how to watch their money.

My daughter is a little different. She has been independent for the beginning. I find myself helping her financially way more than I should. This year I helped with her divorce. I helped her move. On the advice for her best friend, whom I trust, I bought her a dog to be a companion. Almost every month I hear that she can't make ends meet. I have access to her bank account (so I can deposit checks) I see her credit card it almost all fast food purchases. She's maxed out and over due. I look at that and then tell my wife, what good does it do me to keep the money and have her dig a pit so deep she can't climb out? I won't find any satisfaction in it.

She has a Master's Degree but can't find work in her chosen field. The job she has is an entry level position that has 100 kids with Accounting degrees lined up waiting to take so there is no incentive on her employers part to give her a raise. She has applied a lot of places trying to get the better paying job without success. Until she does I end up helping me make ends meet. I can't let her drown. Even if I told her not to go swimming.
4PackGirl  
#4 Posted : Tuesday, August 7, 2018 3:21:37 PM(UTC)
I've been through a divorce. It was my choice & i STILL freak out about it from time to time. I've been happily re-married for 9 years now to a guy who "gets" me. But, my confidence was in ruins for a long time after the divorce. Sure I met this great guy but man did I put him through the paces. I had my wall up & while I showed him love, I was determined to NEVER allow myself or my children to be treated "less than". This led to & occasionally STILL leads to misunderstandings between us. My best advice for your dear daughter is to take a deep breath, be good to herself, & forgive herself if she needs to.
wpr  
#5 Posted : Tuesday, August 7, 2018 4:59:50 PM(UTC)
4PackGirl said: Go to Quoted Post
I've been through a divorce. It was my choice & i STILL freak out about it from time to time. I've been happily re-married for 9 years now to a guy who "gets" me. But, my confidence was in ruins for a long time after the divorce. Sure I met this great guy but man did I put him through the paces. I had my wall up & while I showed him love, I was determined to NEVER allow myself or my children to be treated "less than". This led to & occasionally STILL leads to misunderstandings between us. My best advice for your dear daughter is to take a deep breath, be good to herself, & forgive herself if she needs to.


You are so wise. She is seeing a counselor who tells her that too.

Part of her problem is watching her friends and younger brother move on with their lives and she feels like she is stuck in reverse. She is a bright girl (takes after her momma.) she will figure it out one day.
Cheesey  
#6 Posted : Wednesday, August 8, 2018 7:58:00 AM(UTC)
My family was middle class. We got what we needed, and the only splurge we had was 1 or 2 weeks vacation at a cottage in northern Wisconsin every summer.
I had my brother’s hand me downs most of the time. The only big gift I ever got was my first new bicycle (a five speed) at age 14.
I wasn’t spoiled, but was loved.
I only wish I could have spent more time with my Dad.
4PackGirl  
#7 Posted : Wednesday, August 8, 2018 12:25:58 PM(UTC)
wpr said: Go to Quoted Post
You are so wise. She is seeing a counselor who tells her that too.

Part of her problem is watching her friends and younger brother move on with their lives and she feels like she is stuck in reverse. She is a bright girl (takes after her momma.) she will figure it out one day.


She will definitely figure it out! She has to live her own path. I am the first person in my family to get divorced. I felt like a total failure to everyone - God, my family, my children, my church. I took my vows seriously & after years of verbal abuse, I could NOT allow that to be pushed on to my children. I had all the reason in the world to divorce & I STILL felt like a failure.

She seriously needs to give herself a break. If she needs someone to talk to, please let her know I'm here for her at any time. Talking to others who had been through divorces was a HUGE help to me in the early days.
wpr  
#8 Posted : Wednesday, August 8, 2018 2:12:29 PM(UTC)
Thanks Julie. I will pass your offer along. Unfortunately she has 2 aunts that are walking the same path. She is very close to the younger. Both of them are very supportive.
Cheesey  
#9 Posted : Wednesday, August 8, 2018 3:42:02 PM(UTC)
Illy, I can understand how you feel you failed. But how long should you put up with abuse before enough is enough?
You deserve better then that.
Sometimes it’s not In your control to make things better when the other person refuses to change to make things better.
You are a loving person. I know that first hand.
4PackGirl  
#10 Posted : Thursday, August 9, 2018 2:23:03 PM(UTC)
Cheesey said: Go to Quoted Post
Illy, I can understand how you feel you failed. But how long should you put up with abuse before enough is enough?
You deserve better then that.
Sometimes it’s not In your control to make things better when the other person refuses to change to make things better.
You are a loving person. I know that first hand.


aww...thanks Al - i put up with it for almost 15 years - i'd say that was damn well long enough! LOL. i did it for my kids & will NEVER regret it. Cory refuses to even see his dad now & Cole sees him from time to time. Hurts my heart BUT i also understand their need to protect theirs & keep him at arm's length. They'll be 16 in September & they are great guys...so far. They know the difference between right & wrong, have some common sense, & that I'm always there for them. They also know if they get a DUI or are arrested for any reason that they will sit in jail because I will NOT enable any bad behavior. It'll be very hard but i will do it for them.

Cheesey  
#11 Posted : Thursday, August 9, 2018 6:29:10 PM(UTC)
That’s the right way to be Jules!!!
Teach your kids that there are consequences for your actions, and hopefully it will keep them from making major mistakes.
That’s the way my parents taught me. I remember my Dad talking to me before the first (and only time I got with him before he died) time I went deer hunting. He told me “Always follow the laws, and you will never have to be looking over your shoulder.”
That has stuck with me my entire life.
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