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Offline wpr  
#16 Posted : Sunday, November 18, 2012 12:37:30 PM(UTC)
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You did what you could. The final decision is hers. Love her and keep going.
The whole thing is a process. Tell her it she probably is not that bad. That is when you want a base line test. nothing will reverse the loss that is why you want to slow it down. Before it gets bad.
i am proud of you having the courage to speak to her about it. It is never easy.

Have a cry I am sure it helps. (I don't understand chick things.)
"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em." Chesty Puller



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Wade on 11/18/2012(UTC)
Offline 4PackGirl  
#17 Posted : Sunday, November 18, 2012 1:37:57 PM(UTC)
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i kept saying that i was concerned about her memory & that there are many new meds available to slow down the process but she just didn't want to hear any of it.

so i guess i just move on & try not to worry too much about her. not easy but it appears that's what she wants. :(
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Offline Wade  
#18 Posted : Sunday, November 18, 2012 3:00:42 PM(UTC)
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Julie,

Sorry to hear the conversation went badly. But you did the right thing. As Wayne said, you did what you could.

The reality is that you'll probably have to have multiple such conversations. There will be tears, yelling (both on both sides), passive aggressive attempts at manipulation, pouting, sulking. And if memory and other mental functions decline, she'll forget and repeat all of them.

Just remember you're doing the right thing. You're caring, you're trying, and that's all any of us get to do. Some of us are lucky and get gratitude and good conversation and hugs to balance the stress and the pain, but you can't depend on that. That's why it's important for you to have a support network who, instead of starting every conversation with "how's your mom doing?" focus on "how are you doing?"

Remember to keep your chin with the hemline (up) and not with the neckline (down)

(grin)
None of the above. It wouldn't have been a wasted vote. Obama and Romney -- Those were the wasted votes.
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4PackGirl on 11/18/2012(UTC)
Offline 4PackGirl  
#19 Posted : Monday, November 19, 2012 3:23:56 PM(UTC)
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she called me today & had to tell me about some of her friends who forgot things recently. she could hardly wait to call me to 'prove' that everyone is forgetful at times. once again laughing the entire time at me.
wow, i must be an idiot to have believed for one second she would take something i said seriously.
after all, i'm the piece of shit child that does everything i can for her, cares about her no matter what, while my brother (the golden child) does nothing but verbally abuse her, & avoids her at all costs.
i feel like a fool & i'm heartbroken.

but one thing i can say is how grateful i am to have all of you to 'talk' to. you really are family to me. the only support system i have is my husband, a few close friends, & all of you. a million times thank you to you all.
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Offline DakotaT  
#20 Posted : Monday, November 19, 2012 5:22:48 PM(UTC)
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You should tell her you need her to prove you wrong by going in for some testing. The problem with our older generation (like VR) is that they still operate motor vehicles and endager others. My partners Dad hit a parked car and doesn't remember what happens. He no longer gets to drive.
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Offline wpr  
#21 Posted : Monday, November 19, 2012 8:28:05 PM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl Go to Quoted Post
she called me today & had to tell me about some of her friends who forgot things recently. she could hardly wait to call me to 'prove' that everyone is forgetful at times. once again laughing the entire time at me.
wow, i must be an idiot to have believed for one second she would take something i said seriously.
after all, i'm the piece of shit child that does everything i can for her, cares about her no matter what, while my brother (the golden child) does nothing but verbally abuse her, & avoids her at all costs.
i feel like a fool & i'm heartbroken.

but one thing i can say is how grateful i am to have all of you to 'talk' to. you really are family to me. the only support system i have is my husband, a few close friends, & all of you. a million times thank you to you all.


common Julie you are better than that. Your mother is Don Quixote jousting windmills, the little Dutch boy with his finger in the dyke. She is trying desperately to hold off the inevitable. But she still loves you. Sounds like She simply isn't good about showing it.

In the end she will appreciate you and your sacrifices. She simply may not be able to show you.

I like Troy's suggestion of prove it. She won't go for it but I like it.

My brother the doctor convinced Mom to do the testing only as a baseline for the future. Mom was stunned by the results. I am not certain I would have been able to convince her to go.
"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em." Chesty Puller



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Offline macbob  
#22 Posted : Monday, November 19, 2012 8:45:37 PM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl Go to Quoted Post
she called me today & had to tell me about some of her friends who forgot things recently. she could hardly wait to call me to 'prove' that everyone is forgetful at times.


Julie--my mom had the same initial reaction--defensive, denial, spouting examples of others forgetting things. That's all an emotional reaction, don't take it personally. If she's like my mom, she's scared.

My mom didn't want to go get tested initially, either. We told her that there could be other issues besides alzheimers causing mental confusion. Diabetes (& fluctuating blood sugar levels), medication, inadequate sleep. We told our mom that we had noticed changes lately and that we felt she should get a check-up so that if something was causing problems it could be treated.

If she's like my mom, she's noticed she's having difficulties remembering things. There were some recent events that my mom didn't remember, she started to forget things like paying some bills, she'd confuse what she had done that day with the day before, etc.

It was a couple of months, but mom agreed to get tested.

In the meantime, we reassured mom that we loved her and were concerned about her, that we would be there for her no matter what, that we'd take the best care of her we could, that she wouldn't be alone.

Hang in there. It's not easy. Give your mom hugs, tell her you love her.
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Offline 4PackGirl  
#23 Posted : Tuesday, November 20, 2012 5:58:36 AM(UTC)
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it's just hard & this isn't the first time something i've tried to do for her has blown up in my face.
i'm allowed to be hurt by this. sure i'll get past it but for right now, i'm upset.
she's acting like an immature child instead of taking some time to really absorb what i said to her which is not atypical of her BUT usually when it involves her health, she's very proactive. not this time - at least not yet.
when you've spent your entire life trying to live up to the expectations of someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally, trust me - it tends to put a chip on your shoulder. of course i love her, she's my mom but i've been beating my head against a wall for 43 years & dammit - i've got a f'in headache!!!
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Offline wpr  
#24 Posted : Tuesday, November 20, 2012 6:17:54 AM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl Go to Quoted Post
it's just hard & this isn't the first time something i've tried to do for her has blown up in my face.
i'm allowed to be hurt by this. sure i'll get past it but for right now, i'm upset.
she's acting like an immature child instead of taking some time to really absorb what i said to her which is not atypical of her BUT usually when it involves her health, she's very proactive. not this time - at least not yet.
when you've spent your entire life trying to live up to the expectations of someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally, trust me - it tends to put a chip on your shoulder. of course i love her, she's my mom but i've been beating my head against a wall for 43 years & dammit - i've got a f'in headache!!!


yes you are allowed to be hurt by it. We are just trying to pick you up and dust you off and get you back into the game.
"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em." Chesty Puller



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Offline Wade  
#25 Posted : Tuesday, November 20, 2012 7:40:17 AM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl Go to Quoted Post
it's just hard & this isn't the first time something i've tried to do for her has blown up in my face.
i'm allowed to be hurt by this. sure i'll get past it but for right now, i'm upset.
she's acting like an immature child instead of taking some time to really absorb what i said to her which is not atypical of her BUT usually when it involves her health, she's very proactive. not this time - at least not yet.
when you've spent your entire life trying to live up to the expectations of someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally, trust me - it tends to put a chip on your shoulder. of course i love her, she's my mom but i've been beating my head against a wall for 43 years & dammit - i've got a f'in headache!!!


Ah, so do I, but you're a married woman and its 8:30 a.m. besides. What am *I* to do? Whistle

Sorry, that just slipped out. Must be the cumulative effect of all those DakotaT and vikesrule "debates". Slap me!

But seriously, your reactions are perfectly understandable. I know what its to deal with such a mother and it sucks big time. And when mental decline (hers) gets piled on top of things, it makes me want to go screaming into the night, crawl under the dining room table and curl up, get drunk, or some combination of the three.

So be upset. Nothing wrong with that. IMO, and I'm sure Wayne and everyone else here agree, there'd be something wrong with you if you didn't get upset at such a thing.

I find having a old pillow to abuse helps, too.

Big Grin

None of the above. It wouldn't have been a wasted vote. Obama and Romney -- Those were the wasted votes.
Offline wpr  
#26 Posted : Tuesday, November 20, 2012 8:13:19 AM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: Wade Go to Quoted Post


I find having a old pillow to abuse helps, too.

Big Grin



now that is just plain disgusting. Shame on you at least take it the back alley.
"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em." Chesty Puller



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Offline Porforis  
#27 Posted : Tuesday, November 20, 2012 8:23:50 AM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: DakotaT Go to Quoted Post
You should tell her you need her to prove you wrong by going in for some testing. The problem with our older generation (like VR) is that they still operate motor vehicles and endager others. My partners Dad hit a parked car and doesn't remember what happens. He no longer gets to drive.


If I were your grandma and you told me that, I'd probably tell you to stop telling me what to do and that I had nothing to prove. And then probably bake you some cookies or something.

One of my grandmas (mother's side) was always a cautious driver (and a good driver, at least as good as someone that was 85 at the time can be), the other was a terror on the road, oftentimes driving faster than I do (which is fast). Guess which one gave up the keys and house willingly and without being asked to and which one needed one, two, three, four talks?
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Offline Pack93z  
#28 Posted : Tuesday, November 20, 2012 8:29:29 AM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: 4PackGirl Go to Quoted Post
it's just hard & this isn't the first time something i've tried to do for her has blown up in my face.
i'm allowed to be hurt by this. sure i'll get past it but for right now, i'm upset.
she's acting like an immature child instead of taking some time to really absorb what i said to her which is not atypical of her BUT usually when it involves her health, she's very proactive. not this time - at least not yet.
when you've spent your entire life trying to live up to the expectations of someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally, trust me - it tends to put a chip on your shoulder. of course i love her, she's my mom but i've been beating my head against a wall for 43 years & dammit - i've got a f'in headache!!!


No doubt you are allowed to be hurt by this, I don't think anyone is thinking differently. But understanding why she is reacting to your best intentions is the key to getting over it, at least it would be for myself. We have the benefit of removing the emotions from the situation.

Doing the right thing for others, especially dealing with emotionally charged subjects, is rarely going to be easy. From your description of her, she is a strong willed pride filled woman. Showing any weakness that others can see, even family, is utmost difficult. I am sure she knows there are instances where you are spot on, but admitting that admits weakness. And I am sure there is some hurt on her part because she wants to be the pillar. Probably why you feel your brother is the golden child, he challenges her at every turn, regardless of his intentions she probably strives to prove him wrong at every turn. Another reason you probably feel pushed aside, as you have always been a support for her, this mention or suggestion on your part probably caught her off guard somewhat.

I guess this is the way I see it, and yes I don't have the emotional element to deal with, but you have now planted the seed. She will be on guard for signs, and while she might deny them for a while, sooner or later she will have to accept and deal with it. And it will be something that she will monitor for sometime to come, because her pride and independence will compel her to do so.

So yes, you got handed the shit sandwich for bringing it to her attention, but at the end of the day, I think you did the right thing. Awareness is the first step, acceptance will be the second. That part, she is going to have to come to on her own accord and more than likely until she hits that stage, nothing you do will speed that along.

I applaud you and any other that have that strength to have that talk with your parents, your personal heroes. I hope I have the same strength when called upon.
I think when there's enough will and aggression, there's no shortage of talent either.

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Offline Wade  
#29 Posted : Tuesday, November 20, 2012 9:45:56 AM(UTC)
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Originally Posted by: wpr Go to Quoted Post
now that is just plain disgusting. Shame on you at least take it the back alley.


(Noting for future reference that wpr appears to be the fundraising chair for the Society for the Prevention of Abuse and Cruelty to Stuffed Pillows.) Think
None of the above. It wouldn't have been a wasted vote. Obama and Romney -- Those were the wasted votes.
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wpr on 11/20/2012(UTC)
Offline 4PackGirl  
#30 Posted : Tuesday, November 20, 2012 9:48:50 AM(UTC)
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and once again, thank you my amazing family for lifting me up, giving me strength, & helping me get over the hurt.

took some deep breaths this morning, enjoyed getting my boys ready for school, looked into their adorable faces, & thought 'ok, jules - get outta this funk, pull yourself together, & remember you are in charge of your emotions'!!

so i put a big smile on my face & got my ass movin.
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