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Offline Laser Gunns  
#1 Posted : Monday, August 19, 2013 3:43:13 AM(UTC)
Laser Gunns

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Now, we both just hit 21, so I'm trying to wrap my head around this...

I have (over the last few weeks) found 9 bottles of vodka and assorted beverages hidden throughout our apartment. None of them full.

He's driven home drunk on at least one occasion I know of. And he's resumed hanging out with some real dumbsh*ts. I know his schoolwork has slipped. He is staying out reeally late (early AM) multiple days a week and I have a feeling he's not being too smart. He lies about what he's doing (twin-telepathy, and some conflicting stories for proof)

I don't drink, and I hope I'm not being too much of a nervous nancy, but his behavior has gotten pretty abnormal.

I don't want to lose my bro .. Alcoholism wrecked my childhood->young adult life and I really don't want him becoming my drunk-ass mother.

Do I handle it or call in a familystrike?


Dec, 11, 2012 - FOREVER!
thanks Post received 2 applause.
SINCITYCHEEZE on 8/19/2013(UTC), Pack93z on 8/20/2013(UTC)
Offline wpr  
#2 Posted : Monday, August 19, 2013 5:06:12 AM(UTC)

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I wish I could supply the words of wisdom.

At any age your brother's behavior is not good.

Since I don't drink either I don't have any keen insight. There are several members of the board who do understand and hopefully they will be able to assist you.
"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em." Chesty Puller


thanks Post received 2 applause.
SINCITYCHEEZE on 8/19/2013(UTC), Pack93z on 8/20/2013(UTC)
Offline Wade  
#3 Posted : Monday, August 19, 2013 8:12:21 AM(UTC)

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Lying to those close to you is the biggest danger sign. It's subconscious admission to yourself that you know it's a possible problem, but it's also statement of a belief that you don't think it's out of control.

Add in the fact that the empty bottles are vodka (people often think, erroneously, that, unlike other liquor, vodka use is easier to hide (the "no smell" rationalization), and add in the number of bottles that haven't made it into the dumpster, and it sounds like a serious problem to me.

Because unless those bottles are the aftermath of one or two mega-parties at home they suggest a problem that has been going on awhile. You don't just start consuming liquor in that amount at home from the get go. If you've just been dumped by a girl friend, you might go through a bottle once out of despair/anger/whatever, but you are then going to be hit by an almighty hangover that will keep you away for a couple days. And if you go through a couple at a single dumbass party, the empties are going to hit the trash soon after (in my experience the biggest slobs, of which I am one) don't let multiple empty liquor bottles clutter up the place.

My first thought was that you should gather up all the bottles, empty/half-empty/full, put them on the kitchen table, and confront him with them all at once and ask him to explain. I've been "enjoying" alcohol since I was 16, and not always in moderation either, and, I've never had 9 empty bottles of hard alcohol at one time. I've tried almost every variety of liquor at one time, many of them when I was your age, and it was the accumulation of decades to get a "liquor cabinet" full of bottles. Nine bottles of vodka is a lot of booze, and -- apart from "morning after a big party at the house" -- its going to be hard to explain away without admitting "maybe I do drink too much, maybe I do have a problem."

But the reality, how you handle it ISTM depends critically on the particulars of your relationship with your brother and with the particulars of his and your relationships with the rest of your family, common social circles, etc. Some brothers are really close, in which case bluntness might work best, others are not, and I don't know you're situation. You state that you are roommates, which suggests that you have been pretty close; and you refer to an alcoholic mother, which suggests that there are some other inter-familial tensions. Have these tensions ever gone violent, etc.

I guess what I'd probably do -- this has never come up for me personally having to make the decision how to confront -- is first talk to any family members/friends who know you both well, and compare notes and plot a strategy among you. Confronting the person is often necessary, but the reality is that no problem will be solved without the brother admitting the problem and committing to its solution, but the better the manner of confrontation fits the particulars of your relationships, the more likely it will succeed in moving him toward that admission/commitment.

I don't think the same thing works for everyone. But I do tend to believe that "getting it out in the open" is a necessary condition. Not sufficient, but necessary.

FWIW, that's my view. But, like wpr, I'm no expert.

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Romans 12:2 (NKJV)
thanks Post received 2 applause.
SINCITYCHEEZE on 8/19/2013(UTC), Pack93z on 8/20/2013(UTC)
Offline 4PackGirl  
#4 Posted : Monday, August 19, 2013 8:46:19 AM(UTC)

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having been married to an alcoholic, those are classic signs that your brother is in serious trouble.

please do NOT wait until it's too late. everybody says that they need to want to change in order to change but what I've learned is that isn't necessarily true.
the thing is with addiction is it can move very quickly. I've seen many people watch their family members go downhill slowly & then are shocked when the addict either kills someone else in an accident, kills himself in an accident, get several DUI's, end up in jail, &/or any myriad of scenarios that are NOT good.

most importantly, if you hear nothing else, do NOT bail him out, make excuses for him, or help him in any way that alcohol negatively impacts his life.
living with an addict is horrible & i'm not saying turn your back on him, give up on him, or stop loving him.
what i'm saying is love him enough to get him help.

i'm here for you anytime you need to talk.

thanks Post received 3 applause.
SINCITYCHEEZE on 8/19/2013(UTC), Pack93z on 8/20/2013(UTC), macbob on 8/20/2013(UTC)
Offline Pack93z  
#5 Posted : Tuesday, August 20, 2013 11:19:14 AM(UTC)

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Awareness if the first step.. albeit in this case yours not his. But, lucky for him; you're family and will be in it for the long haul.

I walked through that darkness in my life.. and unfortunately flirt with it on occasion.. so I lack any solid advice that will work for you... other than share PackGirl's words that you can't cover for them.. don't bail him out as well, but try to be there to help keep him safe and trying to avoid costly or even grave mistakes.

Is it a kid experimenting with a new found privilege or the first step of trouble.. can't say from here. What I can say, is you have every right to be concerned.. and it sounds like you have the motivation to stay on it.

I wish you and your brother good luck along this path.. and if you need to or want to.. feel free to message me if you need a sounding board. Albeit Julie has a sexier giggle..

Edited by user Tuesday, August 20, 2013 12:38:56 PM(UTC)  | Reason: Not specified

I think when there's enough will and aggression, there's no shortage of talent either.

thanks Post received 1 applause.
4PackGirl on 8/27/2013(UTC)
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