Found on Deadspin. Bad language but funny as ever!
0-16 Is Upon Us. Jamboroo, Week 11, Featuring King Diamond, Poop, And Mongolian Wok
By Drew Magary, 2:20 PM on Thu Nov 13 2008, 15,623 views
Drew Magarys Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drews new book, Men With Balls, featuring 100% new material, is available RIGHT FUCKING NOW in stores and online here. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK.
The Detroit Lions are going to go 0-16 this year. Its gonna happen. No joke. Look at their remaining schedule: at Carolina, vs. Tampa, vs. Tennnessee, vs. Minnesota, at Indy, vs. New Orleans, and at Green Bay. With the exception of the Vikings (who can shit the bed against anyone) and maybe the Saints, that is a fucking brutal stretch for any team, much less one that is utterly dead inside. The Lions are fucked. And that is awesome.
We were so close to getting an 0-16 team last year. Those little Miami cockteases were just the kind of rudderless, shitty team that seemed up to the task. But nooooo, they had to go and win in overtime against the Ravens and ruin the fun for everyone. What a bunch of selfish pricks. You should have seen them celebrate after they won. Oooh! Look at us! We won one whole game! HOORAY FOR SELF ESTEEM! GIVE US A RIBBON! Losers. They must have taken douche-acting lessons from Mercury Morris.
Not this Detroit team. No, I have a complete absence of faith in this teams vomitous play. I really dont believe in them. Not only are they missing talent. And good coaching. And motivation. And a quarterback. But they also have that rare total lack of chemistry that you only see once in a generation. Its rare that you get to see a group of players come apart and play as none, like this team does.
I think Detroit fans deserve an 0-16 team, and I dont mean that as an insult. I mean, what more fitting way to cap the end of Matt Millens reign of fucktardedness than by going 0-16? What more proper legacy of shittiness can that idiot have bestowed upon that town? Look, if youre a Lion fan, and you had to sit through season after season of breathtaking incompetence, you should at least get a little memento for your trouble. You deserve, after years of watching teams that were merely shitty, to have the absolute SHITTIEST team of all time. You deserve that little piece of history. You deserve a chance to have an 0-16 NEVER FORGET tattoo emblazoned on your shoulder blade.
That way, you can hold it over the head of every other fan out there. Oh, you Cubs fans have had it rough, eh? WELL FUCK YOU IN THE PANTS. 0 and 16, you cunts. No one will ever again question your ability to tolerate ill-timed penalties, crucial drops, revolving door QBs, and mindless special teams gaffes. Its almost the same as bragging about having been in prison. And, if youre from Detroit, youre likely to have that on your resume as well.
You deserve a chance to tell your grandson about this team, to sit little Johnny on your lap and say, Oh, upset that I didnt get you a flying hoverboard for Christmas, are you? Well, you can get fucked, little Johnny. Because my team went 0-16 once. And I have arthritis now, so I cant go hoverboarding. I hope you get that new RoboAIDS, kid.
Most importantly, I want to make sure that Millen spends the rest of his life with that 0-16 scarlet letter tattooed on his big fat stupid head. I want him to go to his goddamn grave with people reminding him every five seconds that he was the arrogant, vacuum-headed tardbacker who assembled the absolute worst football team in the history of mankind. I want him to be permanently tarred by his glaring failure, unable to escape from its ever-looming shadow. Perhaps it could drive him to madness, as he spends his final days in the basement of a mental ward, writing out his name on the floor with his own feces.
I think Detroit fans deserve to have that happen. So get ready, everyone. History is about to be made.